Eve of my anniversary and I don't know what I'm feeling

Tomorrow is March 17th. It'll be 5 years tomorrow since I got injured.
I'm hiding in my bedroom now. I have all my fairy lights on, and some music in the background. My dogs are with me. Dogs are great because they don't speak. They're just there by my side, chilling.

I know any moment I'm going to cry however I'm trying not to. Partially because I want to be strong and not be beaten by my pain.  I just want to forget.

I'm doing all I can so really I need to learn more patience.  I've improved so much on pacing which is a huge deal for me.  Iv also started to cut down on my medication which I'm VERY happy about. I'm not going off of everything however even a little bit is pretty amazing.

I still see March 17th as the day my life changed and my passion which who made me, me, was taken. Dance, my life, my baby, my everything. I breathed, ate, dreamed dance, choregraphing all the time. This is the first time I've probably ever written this or said it to anyone, not even my parents as I don't brag but I was good at it and I always had work. I was blessed to have so many opportunities and teach in many different places. Dance was my gift. I know I'll find a new gift but when you've done something you loved so much from the age of 3 to 37 it's hard to forget and move forward.

I'm doing my best at learning new things. I've really taken to water colour, tried acrylics but didn't really care for it, will also build a sculpture with a friend of mine. Top secret for now however it revolves around chronic pain.
Still loving my Melbourne Storm and my friends and family are incredible. Wouldn't be here without them. With chronic pain comes depression. Thankfully I have a fantastic pysch and thank gosh for life lines.


I keep closing my eyes because I'm secretly hoping tomorrow won't happen. That we'll just skip to March 18th.

As much as I'd love to bypass tomorrow I know it's not going to happen.
I'm learning to embrace this new me. My friends and family understand I can't do as much as I used to. That I often cancel last minute. They accept this new me.

Nothing will ever replace my dancing and I don't want to replace it and refuse to give up that it's over. For the time being I will keep trying new things and keep painting.
I love painting to music. It evokes the same types of feelings as dance however then I start crying. I'm sure that'll change.

Tomorrow will happen and you know what I'll get through it.

X
Marika


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