Holiday is bliss for my chronic pain.....so why can't I permanently be on holiday?!

Recently I went on a holiday. I always look forward to holidays. Who doesn't right? No work, no cleaning, eating lots of yummy food and exploring however what I most look forward to is my lowered pain levels. I still have flare ups however normally nothing compared to the ones I get whilst back in reality.
So what am I doing wrong when I come back home? I've been thinking about this quite abit during the last few days, as I've been so angry which is most likely my depression. I really hit an all time low when I first got back. The drive home, unpacking.....it flared my back into a rage. I was so angry and thought why am I working, why do I have to help around the house? Why do I have to go to the hydro pool. My first session back my eyes were filling up with tears from the pain and my first sessions was shorter and slow as I knew I had to take it easy not being in the pool for about a week.
So why....why do I work part time or help my husband  around the house even thought he does most of the work or go to the hydro pool??
What I've learnt now is that my life now is about making choices.  For me personally if I didn't have a connection to people (work) my depression would be much worse than it is now.  I struggle completing an 18 hour week however if I wasn't connected to other people I'd lose my touch on reality. I'd be living in my own world of loneliness.
I help my husband at home with some of the tasks because it makes me feel like I'm contributing to the house work. I may not be able to do as nearly as much as Chris however I feel good about what I can do.
Currently as I type this I'm still angry that my pain levels have shoot back up to their normal levels however I'm searching for my balance. Which is happiness and lowered pain levels. I've definitely not found, it from my normal day to day life, although I'm getting there. I know my depression would be much worse if I didn't do what I was doing currently in my life. Should I be doing more? Hell no! I'm already struggling which means I still need to figure things out and slow down.
I'm determined to get there. I'm determined to find my balance.
I know this journey is a long road and it's going to be bumpy however I'll travel it as I'm not doing it alone.

XX
Marika

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