Accepting is tough

I wish I could say things have got easier but in all honesty I feel as though  in some ways they've got worse.
I've used the technique of diversion. Which can only get you so far. My psych taught me to start paying attention to it. Start grieving and perhaps that's what I'm doing and why I feel in ways I've got worse.
Pain....everyday..it's shit. To sit and listen what me body is telling me sucks. It's sucks because although I've changed so much already I'm need to pull back even more.
With my gps approval I've cut my hours back even more. I take more endone to help with my pain as it's my only break through drug which helps slightly.
I want to accept this new life and one day I hope to however it's going to be so hard.
I'm grateful for my amazing husband, family and friends and treating team. I'm grateful I have a phenomenal lawyer because I doubt I'd be here right now typing this up.
I wonder how long this grieving process will take. I'm guessing sometime.
I haven't started to grieve my loss of dance though. Talking about it in my last pysch session made me hyperventilate. I started dancing from the age of 3 and was active up until I was 36.... When I got injured.
Dance was my life, my passion, my breathe, my baby.  It was my gift and what I was meant to do on this earth.

Chances are if you saw me out and about, at work,  hydrotherapy, you'll see a smile on my face.
That's a trait I don't think I could ever lose. I like making people laugh and smile. I try to make the most of life. I try to be as positive as I can. However my soul has such sorrow and I often break down when I'm alone. I cry so much these days and I don't want to.
I don't want to have depression, I don't want to be sad. I don't want to feel like I can't leave my house however they're all a reality as is my pain.

I fight hard to lose the dark cloud that could so easily follow me everywhere.

I want to learn to be happy again. I want to learn to be proud of who I am and what I do now.
I want to fully accept that I now live with a chronic illness.

I dedicate this post to my beautiful husband Chris. Without you I wouldn't be here. You keep me strong. You come home from work exhausted yet do most of the house duties. You help take cRe of me when I need help. You're so understanding. Life brought us together and you're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Together we will get through this.

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